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For more information, contact: Gary Schouborg, PhD (925) 932-1982 |
Schouborg, Gary
(2006). " Battle
of the Sexes Resolved". Battle of the Sexes
Resolved Gary Schouborg The following
explains how I discovered the meaning of the vaunted female linguistic
superiority over the male, and the implication for resolving the age-old
“battle of the sexes.” The role of female
conversational facility among other females is obvious. It’s a harmless way
to pass the time and distracts them from dwelling on the deficiencies of
their male companions. But why are females so much more loquacious than their
male counterparts when they are alone together? The answer remains a mystery
until we realize that all the words streaming from female to male are simply
variations of the one, primal command, “Fetch.” I came to this
realization through an arduous and often terrifying series of experiences
called online dating. Being a thinker with almost non-existent fetching
skills, I initially and naively assumed that when a woman advertised for a
man with intelligence that I might fill the bill. Alas, I quickly and
brutally discovered that for women “intelligent” only means “good fetcher.”
There’s nothing more disdained by the female species than a mere thinker. Although I was at
first personally devastated by this insight, as a thinker I happily had the
inner resources to turn lemon into lemonade by seeing that this realization
provides the solution to the never-ending battle between the sexes. I traced the root
of this totally unnecessary conflict to the transition from the
hunting-gathering, to the agricultural, era. The significance of this shift
has been lost until now, because the macho skills required of hunters took
our attention away from the more salient fact that they were merely fetching
for their women. In other words, our DNA is essentially matriarchal, with men
in the subordinate role of fetchers. This primal role has been further obscured
by the nomadic nature of the hunter’s prey and the growing bureaucracy of the
later, agricultural function. Because prey do
not stay in place, hunters were forced to move with them. From our confused contemporary
perspective, we’ve assumed that the men decided to move the camp and the
women dutifully followed. But this is like saying that the mule decides where
to go and the cart dutifully follows. On the contrary, once we discover that
all female communication with the male is a variation on the command, “Fetch”
— including that most thrilling of all commands, “Fetch the fleshy dildo” —
we can understand that it was the female who insisted the camp be moved so
that the male job of fetching could be productive. (Some critics of
my research object that when gathering food, women also fetch. But clearly,
food gathering was a primitive form of shopping. No serious researcher holds
that a woman shops primarily to fetch for her mate. Further support for my general
thesis is that we refer only to women, not men, as "fetching,"
meaning "worth fetching for." Other critics argue that the
extraordinary complexity of the female linguistic function can't be explained
simply in terms of fetching. But this ignores the fact that the shopping mind
always sees itself in a target-rich environment. In addition, great
linguistic skill is required just to drag the male attention span away from
the one command — "Fetch the fleshy dildo" — to which he responds
like an eager puppy.) Confusion about
gender roles first arose when agriculture led to a hierarchy of fetching that
eventually developed into what we now experience as urban civilization.
Fetchers found that growing, storing, and distributing food could be done
more expeditiously if they organized into a hierarchy. Here again, the
obvious obscured the real. Competing for head fetcher made it seem as if
males were running the show, leading to the ubiquitous but delusional old saw
that, “It’s a man’s world,” along with the companion illusion that, “Behind
every successful man is a supportive woman.” We can now see that in fact the
higher up the socioeconomic ladder the male climbs, the more fearsomely has
he been commanded to fetch. The preceding
framework allows us to see clearly the nature of our contemporary crisis and
the unnecessary suffering that both sexes have endured since our days of
hunting. Under the illusion that they were running the show, men became
confused and emotionally disconnected from their roots. As a result, they
began chafing under the pressure of fetching for someone who was incorrectly
supposed to be their subordinate. Women in turn became so confused that they
agitated to compete with men. We’re now in the turmoil of men rebelling
against their natural function of fetching and women fetching for themselves.
The latter misguided activity has become so extreme, and women so distrustful
of men as reliable fetchers, that increasing numbers of feminists have felt
compelled to switch from fleshy to plastic dildos. The path out of
this labyrinthine torment is clear: men need to recover the primal
satisfaction from fetching that is their inherent birthright; and women need
to acknowledge with equanimity and compassion that it’s been a woman’s world
all along. I searched out this truth from the noblest of motives, since as a
thinker I stand not to benefit from the situation whichever way it goes. |
